You want to improve your relationship? There are 5 things that you should never say to your spouse. I strongly recommend that you should never use the word never. These are the top five on the list for me.
#1. Never & Always:
When we use the word never or when we use the word always. Those two words, triggers something psychologically. If I were to say to you, “You never…” Whatever. Or if I were to say to, “You always…”
The reason it triggers something psychologically is because, it’s never true. It’s always inaccurate. I know I’m using those words, but I’m just kind of playing with you with that. Honestly, is there anything that you always do?
Is there anything that you never do? So, if your spouse says those words to you, you’re immediately on the defensive and you can put your spouse on the defensive by accusing him or her, that he or she always does this or never does that.
You’re not going to say apathy, but what are you saying that conveys apathy? “I don’t care. Whatever.” You’re sounding like a teenager right about now. Do you really think this is going to work with your spouse?
Sometimes we say those things, when we get a little tipped over. When we get a little agitated about something that’s happening. To say that to your spouse communicates apathy and that’s one of the most detrimental things to a relationship.
So, let’s just take it out of the vocabulary right now. “I don’t care and whatever”. Which is kind of the same thing as I don’t care.
#3. Victim-Blaming Mode:
Number 3 on this list of things that you should never say to your spouse is actually a category of things that you should never say to your spouse and the category is the victim-blaming mode.
It usually shows up with saying something like, “This is all your fault. Because of you…” You see how blaming that is? When we blame, we invite defensiveness and defensiveness validates accusation.
So, it creates a nasty cycle that as you blame your spouse, your spouse gets defensive. You’re more likely to blame them again for the same thing, because it feels like their defensiveness validates the accusation.
Let’s get out of that victim-blaming mode and stay away from any phrase that sounds like, “This is your fault.” While I’m on that, do you remember I said this is a category of thinking?
Blaming yourself is still victim mode and I don’t think you should say to your spouse, “Oh, fine. It’s all my fault.” Or anything along those lines. Blame whether it’s blame of your spouse or it’s blaming yourself is going to run us into the same problem.
Notice how it’s just kind of a stalemate. Once you blame someone, we’re out of negotiation mode. They get defensive, you’re on the attack. It’s not going anywhere. At least not anywhere productive.
Number 4 on this list of 5 things you should never say to your spouse is nothing. It’s “Nothing.” What if you were to say “nothing”. That’s the silent treatment and it’s hostile. It’s kind of a passive-aggressive sort of hostile.
But not saying anything communicates very clearly that you are not aligned with them. That you are not on their team.
So, saying nothing is kind of like eating nothing. What would happen if you ate nothing? Well you would die eventually. So, that’s why nothing made the list. Something you should never say to your spouse.
#5. Anything that Suggests Divorce:
I know that this topic comes up sometimes. But the reason that it does is because of the way that we talk. “I’m done.” Alright, now, you didn’t say anything about divorce, but people use this sometimes out of frustration. “Oh, I’m done.” That sometimes is received as a message that you are done with them.
You are done with the relationship and even if you feel that, not a good idea to say it. Especially in the heat of the moment because that introduces now a different dynamic. It is easier to commit 100% to a relationship than it is to commit every day or not.
What I mean is as long as we’re playing with an idea of maybe I’ll stay in maybe I won’t, we exhaust ourselves trying to make that decision every day. What if you were just commit and be done with it?
Like I’m done or I just can’t be married to you anymore or I can’t go on like this. Which incidentally is a lie. Yes you can. I had one of my clients say, “I can’t go on living like this.” I’m like, “What do you mean?” “Well, I can’t go on living with my husband who is doing this and he’s doing that.” And she gave me the laundry list.
And I said “You’re lying.” She almost fired me in that moment. But she was lying. She said I can’t go on like this. She’s been living this way for 20 years. Can she go on like this? Yes, she can. I’m not suggesting that she should or that things couldn’t change.
In fact, I’m a big fan of improving and saving these key relationships. What I’m saying is that our language matters. And if you say anything that suggests that you’re out, you just created a dynamic that you’re going to have to deal with continually.
Take it out of your vocabulary. I know this can get tricky from time to time. I hope you find these article helpful.
Now in conclusion, there are other number of reasons why marriages lead to divorce… and many of these variables are controllable.
So if you would like to learn more about how you can prevent divorce and save your marriage today!
Alright, that’s all for today folks…talk to you soon!.