Relationships are challenging. I get it. I know that experience. In fact, there may be some days you’ll even say to yourself, “Maybe we should just get a divorce.”
Why are you saying that?
Because you want to end the discomfort, the distress, the conflict that you’re experiencing and you don’t see any other way to relieve it.
So the good news is you’re looking for solutions to end the distress and pain in your life as you may feel the relationship is creating it.
But I’m here to tell you, you’re creating it and there’s four primary reasons that we unknowingly create this distress that cause the choice to divorce, because we want out, we want out of the conflict, and we want to be done with it.
Now, there may be some scenarios like people are unfaithful, and addictions, and there’s some pretty heavy duty stuff that a person is not willing to address, own, and change.
I’m talking about more common, everyday upsets like not getting along anymore, feeling alone, feeling there’s not a sense of companionship. How do you avoid that?
How do you avoid getting in a place where you’re having the thought, “Maybe we should just get a divorce”? So I’ll give you the four reasons that people get divorced and solutions to prevent going there.
My partner and I have been through multiple cycles. We’ll have been married 39 years this year, and in the past, we haven’t done this for at least 5 or 6 years now, but prior to that we would go through these cycles of the maybe we should just get a divorce phase because things were so hard and challenging.
We stuck it out, we’ve learned, we’ve grown, and we have the best relationship we’ve ever had. And we used everyone of these resources. Every one of them, we employed.
#1 False Expectations:
The number one reason people get a divorce is their needs are not being met, their false expectations of what they think the other person should be doing, but they’re expecting it. Then they feel frustrated, let down, they blame their partners, we judge each other.
How many times do you give corrective feedback that it’s so common now, you don’t even know you’re doing it, where you’re telling them to do something else or what they’re doing you don’t like, and there’s a lot of exchange on the negative side of things?
So these false expectations actually come into play when you don’t understand each other very well and you’re seeing the world through your lens and your filter, and expecting your partner to be more like you.
What corrects that?
There are four types of natural expression that are a deep innate quality and every human being. We lead with a dominant expression of one of the four types. This information alone completely flipped my relationship with my husband.
I started to understand him for who he was, how he moved through the world, his thought processes, his behaviors, how he would process feelings and emotions, the way he would move through different life experiences.
He’s a Type 2. He’s considered the soft subtle energy. I’m a Type 3. He started to understand that I’m a swift, dynamic, more of an extrovert than him, more of a go-getter than him. I stopped saying to him, “You need to just go for it,” then he stopped saying to me, “Calm down” you need to settle down.”
We started to see each other for who we are and support each other. That was just…like, 80% of our relationship improved just by having this information. I’ve literally had hundreds and hundreds of people that have gone through my online and coaching programs say, “You saved our marriage”.
That information saved our marriage.” I’ve also had, unfortunately, hundreds of people say, “I think that information could have saved our marriage if we had understood each other and had more reasonable expectations.” It’s a real eye opener and it changes your filter of your partner.
#2 Poor Communication:
Second reason, poor communication skills. I’m amazed how many people do not sit down and have heart to heart real vulnerable conversations. One of them is learning how to listen, truly listen from a place of empathy. That’s not a new skill set, but very few people have learned it.
We let our emotions hijack our ability to listen and we need to be heard more than we’re willing to listen, when we’re processing emotional energy.
One of the tips is don’t try and talk things out when you’re mostly charged, when your brain is filled with emotion, and it’s not gonna be productive.
Don’t try and work it out till you’re both settled down and you’re emotionally balanced, and you’re able to come from a mature proactive place. Communication skills is huge.
People that divorce are not communicating well. They’re triggering each other, they’re blaming each other, they’re at odds with each other. Good communication skills are key to supporting a healthy relationship. They go hand in hand for me, knowing your energy type along with your partner’s and knowing how to communicate.
Get those communication skills. It’s a skill set you have to develop skills to be a good communicator.
#3. Unmet Needs:
Third reason, unmet needs. Now, this goes along with the false expectations one, but unmet needs are things that didn’t happen for you, when you were a small one. When you were little and tiny, you didn’t get your needs met and as a result you’re wanting your partner now to make up the difference.
They become the surrogate mom or dad and it’s the biggest cause of codependency. We play out different roles, processes, to try and get those needs met through passive-aggressive ways, and feel let down and then say things like, “You’re not meeting my needs.”
Well, my husband and I have that conversation way too many times and we get in many, many arguments and, you know, you’ll hear anything from, “Oh, I’m not your mother and I’m not your father,” and blah-blah-blah.
We finally realized that it’s our job to make sure our own needs are met and that we can enroll our partner to support us in that function rather than hook it on them, that it’s up to them to be the one responsible for that. So we learned to be proactive with that.
Where can you learn that? What’s the resource? MarriageGuy.com. I have a four-week healing plan that will take you through daily and weekly practices and healing sessions to heal your unmet needs from your childhood.
And I teach you how to start meeting your own needs, so you can then get the support of your companion without them feeling the drain and the drudge of you needing them to show up a different way.
That’s where it doesn’t work, when they feel that pull, “You need to do this for me. “I need you to be this way for me”. “I need you to say this to me”. “I need you to touch me this way.” That needy pull. Nobody responds favorably to that.
#4. Replaying Unhealthy Patterns:
How many of you have had that experience where it’s like, “Here we go again. Same argument, same back and forth”. And we should just record this and play the recording and we could go to a movie or something, while we’re playing the recording”
Why does that happen? Why do we fall prey to that over and over, and over?
Well, it’s because of the three ones I just mentioned: false expectations by misunderstanding each other’s natures, not understanding each other’s natures, poor communication skills, so you can’t work things out, and neediness, neediness.
So now, your replay pattern, the same pattern over and over, and over. You don’t even need your partner involved. You can shift your relationship as a one sided participant. It would shift both of you.
You’d be amazed the power you have to shift the whole relationship by you showing up and choosing that. So you don’t have to go away from this article going, “Well, that’d be nice if my spouse would do it,” or “my boyfriend,” or “my girlfriend,” but they won’t.” No, no, no.
Do it yourself and you’re going a be the alchemist of your relationship, and they’re going to start changing right before your eyes and you’ll say, “Oh my goodness, they’re like a whole different person.” You change the energetic dance, they’ll change the way they dance with you.
Now in conclusion, there are a number of reasons why marriages lead to divorce… and many of these variables are controllable.
So if you would like to learn more about how you can prevent divorce and save your marriage today, then you MUST watch that free video presentation on my website at MarriageGuy.com.
Again, that URL is MarriageGuy.com… and be sure to watch that entire video to the very end. In it, you’ll learn the 3 “marriage murdering mistakes” that most couples make that ruin their chances of a happy marriage.